The Boundary That Made SOME Family Members Furious (And Why I'd Do It Again)

Some time ago, I got a text message. It was short, passive-aggressive, and designed to make me feel guilty for setting a boundary. The message ended with words that were probably meant to ‘punish’ me. To make me defensive. To scare me. To pull me back into a pattern I’d spent years learning to escape.

I read it. I DID feel my chest tighten. I felt the familiar urge to explain myself, to defend my decision, to ‘make them’ understand….

…….. And then I put my phone down. I didn’t respond. That night, I thought I was going to lose sleep over that, but no, I slept right through the night. That’s because I understood something that took me years to learn:

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting your peace. I’ll say it again, You don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting your peace.

The Boundary I Set

A family member asked me (well, told me, is more accurate) to do something for someone. However, I’m already doing WHAT I can, WHEN I can, HOW I can, maintaining a separate and personal relationship that works for both of us (that other person and myself). Except, they wanted me to coordinate through them. To check in with them. To report back to them. To operate under their supervision and control.

I said ‘no.’ Not “maybe.” Not “let me think about it.” Not “I’ll try.” Just: “I’m not available to help with that.” Clear. Direct. Non-negotiable.

Two hours later, I got a response: “You can’t [such-and-such?], Got it.” (A total rewritten ‘conclusion’ they came up with).

Translation: “You said ‘no’ to me, so I’m going to (make the jump), reframe it as you abandoning someone you care about. You said ‘no’ to me and so I’m going to make sure you know I’m upset by adding ‘got it’, which means I’m keeping score, and you’re going to pay for this later.”

** Want to read the rest?

I publish the full essay, plus practical lessons on nervous system survival during crisis, every week on my Substack: "Still Standing: Lessons from the Fire."

[READ THE FULL ESSAY HERE]

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